Politically Correct?

So I have heard a lot of talk at various times about hating this and hating that, and about whether political correctness shields the weak or muffles the truth. But there should be no debate. Anything that hinders the spread of truth is evil, pure and simple. So I'm going to cut through all the shrouds and speak bluntly. I'm going to say what all the spineless sycophants of our current system are too afraid to say. And if people's feelings are hurt? Well, if you're not living by the divine standard, then you ought to be hurt (Disclaimer: I do not condone of unsanctioned violence.).

The grave of Rudolf Hess in Germany was recently demolished because neo-Nazis were making it a pilgrimage destination. When I read this, I couldn't help but think of a conversation I had yesterday about the memory of WWII. We need to keep American traditions alive. I don't see any reason why I shouldn't live just the way my forefathers did. It worked for them, so why not me? Now, when I turn my eye back to WWII, I chiefly see a battle between Germans and Jews. Who is our ally, and who is our enemy? The Jews have been the loyal allies of Christianity for centuries, so it makes sense that we rescued them when the Nazis invaded their country. So who should America be fighting? That's right: Germans. And Japs too, for good measure. The German economy is taking over Europe the same way Hitler did, and Japanese industry is stealing jobs from hard-working Americans. There are, of course, many "hate groups" doing everything they can to clean up this world, regardless of how many rational arguments are thrown against them, and I applaud them for their stalwart commitment to their beliefs. I am now calling for a new movement, a crusade if you will, sanctioning you all to cleanse the world of all the treacherous Germans out there. The Greatest Generation knew the Huns' true nature, but we have forgotten over the years. The Nazis surprised us at Pearl Harbor; let's not let it happen again.


Thanklessly, there are some brave souls here in America who are still willing to carry on the fight. While Barack "The Antichrist" Obama's election to the presidency was a betrayal of our country, at least he brought these problems to the people's attention. I never expected the American people to accept a black president, and now I have been proven correct. He's an infidel and a liar, and he will destroy our country if we let him. I recently argued with someone who said that the economic problems in this country are not his fault, that it was the legacy of past presidents, that the presidents hands are tied by corporate interests, and that the allegations that he is a foreign-born Muslim are spurious and pointless. I effectively defeated his explanation by repeatedly shouting "Barack Hussein! Barack Hussein!" Then I was asked why it mattered whether he was born here, and how his religion related to good governance. It struck me as the kind of foolish question I ought to quash immediately. I told him that man's laws should be based on God's laws, and if there was any confusion about that, I would tell him exactly what God commanded. Then I pointed out that the American Constitution, which was written by the divinely inspired pen of George Washington himself, forbade any foreign-born individual from being president. Come on people! We should all be trying to live exactly how Founding Fathers like Ben Franklin lived, and think exactly like they did, so that we can protect our freedom and rule the world in peace and moral virtue for a thousand years. Can I get an Amen!?

Do you want this man for your leader?

TLDR: Hate is useful. Our traditions call on us to exterminate all Germans, and Barack Obama too.

After Years of Anticipation

I or We?

Greetings fellow Church followers. Though I am usually concerned with the evaluation of society (vis a vis the shining city on a hill) and the clarification of the narrow road, I must needs take time today to amend my Pyramid of Fear to account for advances in modern immorality/moral ambiguity. It has come to my attention that you are all CYBORGS.

 

Now, you might be wondering, "How did I get on the Fear Pyramid? I've done everything my elders/clergy/parents/government told me to do!" Well, like all of the devil's tricks, this one is as subtle and seductive as it is malicious.

This problem first came to my attention when I saw the fantasy TV show BSG (I was watching it strictly as research!). But I thought "This isn't real. We are safe for a few centuries yet..." But I was wrong. Next came Donna Haraway's Cyborg Manifesto, which was temporarily alarming, until I realized that the cyborg pictured there is not Haraway, and that Haraway is no more a cyborg than you or I! The Manifesto is also mostly postmodern gibberish (maybe I should add postmodernism to the pyramid...). Again, I thought I was safe; again, I was wrong. 

By now, you're probably frantically trying to remember when you got a cybernetic implant, or wondering what exactly the surgeon put in your knee that makes metal detectors scream wildly. Well, the doctor is in, and I have your diagnosis. It's not what happened while you were knocked out (or was it?). You consciously adopted your cybernetic components. You may be reading this through your cybernetic enhancement right now. What is one thing that you probably have within arm's reach 99% of your life? Your cell phone. And if you thought it was just a benign tool, you're wrong. In fact, cell phones may affect every part of what makes us human beings. I know some of you are thinking, "It's not the same. I'm not a T101 unit yet." I have several avenues of riposte. First of all, there have already been design forays into communication implants (almost a decade ago!) that would connect vibrations in the jaw electronically with the ear, allowing you to hear voices inside your head. Those of you who already hear voices may want to ask your dentist what else he did when you were under for that "root canal." A cell phone display implanted under the skin also looks like a tattoo. And contact lenses have been designed with invisible circuitry inside them, with obvious applications to visual enhancement and virtual reality.

I believe we are all being accustomed to living cybernetically enhanced lives by the corporate media, who will then sell us irresistibly convenient implants on greater and greater scales until we become "more machine either than man, twisted and evil." If you recognize that well-known quote from famed physicist Stephen Hawking, then you see how serious this is. Just how long before a cybernetic implant compels an American hero to try to kill the president, like in the Manchurian Candidate? (Or was that an episode of Venture Bros.?) It's only a short step from trendy to toaster.

But there is one last herald of this coming age of cybernetic tribulation. And it comes, of course, from Sweden. About a month ago, a surgeon in Sweden replaced a cancer patient's tumorous trachea with an artificial one made of synthetic polymers. There was no donor, and it was created in matter of days. Why would anyone want to live with a plastic throat when they could have saved that money and just prayed to God to either heal the patient, or welcome him to the Kingdom? It's the first successful transplant of a synthetic organ, and it's unnatural and wrong. Could this operation have been more devilish? Well, the organ will not be rejected by the body because, prior to installation, it was soaked in a solution of stem cells from the patient. Yeah. Enough said. We are all going to be assimilated, and mob mentality will make resistance futile. If you value your humanity, as I do, you will emulate me, throw away your cell phone, and henceforth cast a skeptical eye on all technology.

TLDR: We are all becoming cyborgs, and it will destroy the human race.

A Conspiracy in Your Mouth

So the BBC ran an article today about a gaffe at an HIV/AIDS conference in India where the country's health minister called homosexuality a disease. What a fool. Even the UN condemned him. If homosexuality was a disease, it would be simple enough to develop a vaccine or a cure, or at the very least, a drug or other treatment that would suppress the symptoms. Try and tell the Ex-gay movement that conversion is that easy. It's not, and here's why: people are born gay. There's nothing they can do about it. There was no point in their life when they were straight, then became infected with a gay 'bug.' It's not their fault. It is their mother's fault. And no, they didn't take them shopping and let them paint their nails too many times (although that certainly didn't help). All that Freudian stuff about how kids learn things that they carry with them for years after is nonsense. Kids don't retain anything. What I'm talking about here is prenatal and early childhood care. That's right. Pregnant mothers make their unborn children gay. Then they finish the job with stuff like soy formula and figs. Figs are just SO GAY. I have been wondering exactly which mechanism the global gay conspiracy has been utilizing to assimilate our children, and now I have it. It's all in the food we eat. It's so fiendishly clever. I have to tip my hat to the Anglican Underground for letting me know about this. Those fellows are a boon to the God-fearing among us. You can find their report on the gay food threat here.

 If you eat this cereal, you will begin to feel an urge to attend Carnivale

farmfoods catered every set of Brokeback Mountain

TLDR: You are what you eat; don't eat gay food.

Talking from the Gut

Today is Independence Day. America's Birthday. Nine months after Lady Liberty conceived by an act of God himself, our pure nation was born. I celebrated like any good American - with beer at the beach. But I had an epiphany on my way home. As I rode my bike past a line of cars halted for no apparent reason, I came upon a gigantic *&#@ing Yukon stopped across one and a half lanes of traffic. It was at that moment that I realized how lost everyone is. Everyone is going through this world with no idea about what's going on.

Yeah, remember him?

A REAL MAN speaks his mind, no matter what.

Everyone except me. I breezed right by, as careless as ever. And I thought to myself, "These people just need me to tell them what to do." I've been asking a lot of questions, trying to feel my way around, but no more. People don't like questions. People like boldness. Audacity. I'm going to take a hint from Jesus himself, who said "Carpe Diem!" Seize the day! From now on, I'm just going to tell it how I see it here, and anyone who disagrees had better put their money where their mouth is.

The most important thing in life is family. I sat and listened to an utterly inane conversation among some shallow girls at the beach. One girl says she loves her boyfriend, and she can see them together in the future, but she just needs one more fling. And she can do better. And he was hanging out with some stupid, skinny little blonde hussy. But at least he's not boring, like so-and-so's boyfriend, who only wants to watch wrestling and play Scrabble. Well guess what Bitter Betty. I like Scrabble. And I have a solution to this whole problem. Love does not and never did exist. Poets and bards made it up in the songs as a true devotion for a chivalric noble toward a fair maiden. Yes, a MAIDEN. Why bother with love if you're just going to sex with whomever? (Yes, I used 'sex' as a verb, and will continue to do so). Anyway, love is a medieval fiction, and marriage doesn't have anything to do with it. And shouldn't. Marriage is all about economics. It always has been. That's why traditional marriage, eg arranged marriage, has always worked so well. Dowries? Hello! We need to go back to our roots and recognize what marriage is really about: avoiding social stigma, disciplining children, and having someone to cook dinner so you don't have to waste time in the kitchen. Of course with modern, electronic appliances, even Murphy Brown can pretend to raise a "family." This is exactly why and how the institution of marriage has come under such fierce fire in recent years. If we don't protect it, the economic structure of our society will collapse.

From now on, I will also be providing a succinct conclusion, for those of you with little spare time.

TLDR: Love isn't real. Marriage is about money.

Ab Ecclesia Omniorum Mundorum Condita

Greetings everyone. May we grok; or share boko-maru.
Let us pray: Dear heavenly spaghetti monster, thank you for everything.
Now, this is my first sermon, so I'm a little nervous. I was planning on a little fire and brimstone, because it's a classic, but I have so much material that I may have to turn it into a lecture series some time in the future. For now, I'll keep it short and sweet. I know some of you are already weary of the church thing, so I'll stop now.

I preordered A Dance with Dragons today. I also finished rereading A Feast for Crows a few days ago (in preparation). On top of that, my brother called me today to discuss the enigma that is Jon Snow. For those of you who know what I'm talking about, no spoilers please. Some of our hbo-induced auxiliaries are also interested in the story (and have already [hopefully] started reading the series as well). I am way too excited for the new book; I've been waiting so long...

And now I'll leave you with a couple of questions to think about. Do you have a goal in life? I have asked many people this question recently. The answers can be interesting and surprising. Anything. Go to another country, get married, or make money. It's all about what people value, right? So where do we get these goals from? Can our goal be something like "be a good person" or "be happy"? The first one smacks of godliness, and the second of hedonism. Where do we get our goals from, and where should we get them from?