Greetings, ye children of great faith! These are dark times, and we must prevail despite whatever setbacks we encounter. And I tell you all, that I have seen the devil's ugly face. Whiskered, scaly, with a bent back and thick black hair. He came to me under the sculpted figure of Jesus on the cross, whilst I prayed to St. Jerome for guidance, and he told me, "The Elders have voted and, because of your leadership, we are converting to Mormonism. There's no place for you here anymore." It seems that one Judas among my own flock actually went to the website I had printed on our Sunday programs and was offended by what I have written. Now, everyone seemed to think that I was out of line for claiming to speak with the authority of God. But that's what the Devil wants you to think! I speak when I am inspired by the Holy Spirit, and I'll never apologize for what I know is right.
So I walked out, bearing my own cross (that crucifix was mine to being with). Things have been rough since then. I feel like Job, walking in the desolate wilderness for 40 years. At first, I was confident that any other congregation would love to hear the Holy Spirit channel the voice of God through me, but alas! The devil arm has grown long. Everywhere people are abandoning the hallowed traditions of our forefathers straying from the path laid out by the Early Church. Secularism is overtaking the world, and soon there will be a terrible reckoning, probably of Old Testament proportions (I'm thinking a plague of techno-locusts), unless the few remaining heroes of our time step up and defend the Truth.
Therefore, I am asking my only remaining congregation, my only remaining children, to give to the cause. Whether it be blankets, food, clothing, or, of course, money, everything can be used in the upcoming fight against the great Satan. The soldiers of Christ are desperate. I am currently on a mission trip to Chicago, where I am staying under a bridge on Wilson Ave. Here I have discovered that, just as the nation is being tormented by a presidential election between a Muslim and a Mormon, the people on the ground are being tormented by a great struggle between Human and Cannibal Zombie. This life-and-death struggle is the clearest possible sign that the Antichrist is approaching (I can't tell whether it's the Muslim or the Mormon though), and that every man needs to arm himself not just mentally and figuratively any longer, but also militantly. Around the world rising Muslim powers, cannibal zombies, French socialists, and liberals are destroying Faith in God and the free market. If we, the Chosen People, don't do everything in our power to fix this transient world, then we have failed as Christians and we have failed to further Jesus' mission to recreate the earth in the image of the Kingdom of God.
So I walked out, bearing my own cross (that crucifix was mine to being with). Things have been rough since then. I feel like Job, walking in the desolate wilderness for 40 years. At first, I was confident that any other congregation would love to hear the Holy Spirit channel the voice of God through me, but alas! The devil arm has grown long. Everywhere people are abandoning the hallowed traditions of our forefathers straying from the path laid out by the Early Church. Secularism is overtaking the world, and soon there will be a terrible reckoning, probably of Old Testament proportions (I'm thinking a plague of techno-locusts), unless the few remaining heroes of our time step up and defend the Truth.
Therefore, I am asking my only remaining congregation, my only remaining children, to give to the cause. Whether it be blankets, food, clothing, or, of course, money, everything can be used in the upcoming fight against the great Satan. The soldiers of Christ are desperate. I am currently on a mission trip to Chicago, where I am staying under a bridge on Wilson Ave. Here I have discovered that, just as the nation is being tormented by a presidential election between a Muslim and a Mormon, the people on the ground are being tormented by a great struggle between Human and Cannibal Zombie. This life-and-death struggle is the clearest possible sign that the Antichrist is approaching (I can't tell whether it's the Muslim or the Mormon though), and that every man needs to arm himself not just mentally and figuratively any longer, but also militantly. Around the world rising Muslim powers, cannibal zombies, French socialists, and liberals are destroying Faith in God and the free market. If we, the Chosen People, don't do everything in our power to fix this transient world, then we have failed as Christians and we have failed to further Jesus' mission to recreate the earth in the image of the Kingdom of God.
