Evolution: Part Deux

   Last time I promised an illustration and a more complete explanation of my theory. Need I remind anyone that this is explicit material, not for young or weak minds? G'on chilluns, skedaddle off to bed now, hear? Now that the young ones are safe, let me continue.

   Evolution. Creationism. Truth. These three things have never come together, until now. Men have not evolved from apes, because apes evolved from men! Don't believe me? See part one of this sermon then. Now, as I've said, God created man in his image, and woman then from man. Mutation is real, and accumulations thereof are the building blocks of evolution. What causes mutations? Radiation? Sexual reproduction. That sin, and all the others in our lives, each change genetic minutiae that eventually produce noticeable results in everything from disease to differentiation. Humans don't look the same anymore, nor do they look like neanderthals or apes. But the progression has actually been a regression, with humans at the beginning. From the perfect pureness of Adam, humanity has digressed along several paths to the flawed, failed, self-destructive variety of races we are today. I have, after many hours of dedicated scholastic labor, produced this chart to show the many varied relationships between different strands of humanity and some of our closer cousins. My sources were varied, and ranged from respected genetics scholar Michael Crichton to the writings of God himself (The Bible). I can assure you that all of these connections have been thoroughly researched by me, and that there were many more that I cut for too little solid proof (but I'm convinced Ryan Gosling is descended from Anton Chekhov!).

TLDR: Apes evolved from man. End of story.

Evolution: The Perverse Reversal

 Greetings congregants! Greetings to you, and glory to the Almighty, and to the Ghost, shroud of holiness. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be. World without end. May the blessings of the Almighty, and the Fellowship of the Holiest of Ghosts, descend upon us all. This day and forever more. Amen.

   I have, as I always do, been devoting much thought to the moral well-being of us all, and as I watched what would at first appear to be one of the most impious of films (I myself only deigned to watch it because I trust Ben Hur with my soul), I stumbled upon the greatest discovery since Ilhan Durupinar discovered Noah's Ark. When Brent says, "a planet where apes evolved from men - there's gotta be an answer," my brain was struck as if by the hand of God himself. Now, evolution is pretty complex, and really shouldn't be studied anyway for the harm it can do to a mind, but I will explain it in as innocuous a fashion as possible. WARNING, what you are about to read is heresy; the young and faint of heart should skip to the next paragraph. Now, Charles Lucifer Darwin (his real name!) was the first person to claim that humans evolved from monkeys when he said, "as man from a genealogical point of view belongs to the Catarhine or Old World stock, we must conclude, however much the conclusion may revolt our pride, that our early progenitors were cute little monkeys, who most like, by the most striking contrast to our own pious times, ate and mated to their hearts' content." Not only is this wrong, it's positively backwards!

   I mean what I said quite literally: the theory of evolution has got real fact backwards. Humans didn't evolve from monkeys: monkeys evolved from humans! Now, you are probably all thinking that this sounds crazy, so let me explain, because my ideas are so simple and so close to biblical teachings that I think there is little doubt that this is exactly how REAL evolution happened. I even have support from the scientific community, or rather the part of it that hasn't been corrupted by the liberal education system. The secular scientific community is trying to cover up and destroy the evidence for what I've discovered because their secularist agenda would be ruined if this information came to light. Therefore, I am compelled by God to explain it for the benefit of all God-fearing Christians.

   In the beginning there was Adam and there was Eve, and the Garden was a perfect place to live. Look at the world now: it is a stinking pit of corruption, insanity, and homosexuality. How did this happen? Sin. An easy answer on the face of things, but sin is even more complex than it appears. Sin isn't just an action; it changes you, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Don't believe me? Here's how: when you sin, your genetic code is actually altered by such a spiritual action. Most of us commit small sins throughout our lives, which each produce the minor genetic alterations that make our children look different from us, but also morally weaker than us (you always knew there was a reason why God commanded all to obey their parents!).

   However, certain grand sins produce marked changes, as science observed, for instance, when the famed scientist Patrick Stewart said, "Mutation is the key to our evolution. It has enabled us to evolve from a single-celled organism into the dominant species on the planet. This process is slow, normally taking thousands and thousands of years. But every few hundred millennia, evolution leaps forward [for no apparent reason]." Well folks, SIN is that reason. Heinous sins. Every major sin in history has produced some degree of major alteration in the human genetic code, and consequently a sub-human species of sinful progeny. This was referred to in the Bible with the first and second major sins in human history. First, Eve ate of the Tree. As a consequence, God cursed her to be physically inferior to man, whose lesser sin merely earned him hardship throughout life. The second sin, with the second generation (who inherited a sinful nature from their mother), was when Cain killed his brother Abel. This generated from God a curse that has come down to us as the Mark of Cain. There has been great debate about what this Mark was, but it seems utterly clear to me that this was the beginning of monkey evolution. The Mark was exactly what characterizes monkeys today: coarse skin and fur, deformed bodies, and facile intellects. Early hominid skeletons that scientists have discovered are certainly the missing link, just as the secularists have claimed, but they are the link between sin and deformity, not human descent from apes. My theory also easily explains why scientists have found that some older hominid skeletons appear more humanlike, more advanced than later ones. Because they ARE! I have been laboring for some time now to trace the many connections between sin and variety on Earth, and a visual aid will be forthcoming to explain these complex relationships more easily. But, for now, I leave you with this amazing new discovery, to let it percolate, sink in, and strengthen your faith. God bless!

 How would humanity survive?

TLDR: Apes evolved from man. End of story.

The Mark of Cain

  Hey ladies, gents. Sorry it has been so long since my last sermon. I'm sure you all missed me sorely. Last time I was here I was touting Rick Perry, soldier of Christian fortune. But lately, it seems, his rising star is being eclipsed by rival Herman Cain, the self-proclaimed "dark horse candidate." The chief factor in Cain's rise to prominence has been his 9-9-9 plan, a proposal so simple that everyone who recognizes the need for tax reform can understand it without having to employ any cognitive functions. It is a plan so facile and  elegant that Occam's Razor must apply: "the simplest explanation is most likely the correct one." Obviously, a tax policy so simple that a 13-year-old could run a city with it is definitely better than Obama's nine hour pleading solicitation to "pass this jobs bill right away," but is it really the best our country can do? As if. At the least, a NEW 9% federal sales tax (all sales taxes are currently state taxes) should enrage all of the tea partiers who have been beside Perry and I in shouting "small government" at the top of our lungs. Of course, that doesn't mean the government should back away from regulating women's bodies, enforcing traditional marriage, enlarging the righteous armies of God, funding the security of our homeland, fighting a war against the proletariat, fighting a war against drugs, et al. ad nauseum. We only want less government regulation of business or protection of workers, but for some reason the American people can't wrap their heads around simple economics and persist in squealing about "class warfare" as if such a thing actually existed.

  But this sordid economic discussion is really peripheral to the real reason why Herman Cain is unfit for the leadership of a Christian nation. The most obvious reason should be that Cain's 9-9-9 plan is obviously a code for the beginning of the Tribulation. It has not escaped this commentator that Cain's plan, upside down, is the devil's plan. It would have been better to propose a 7-7-7 plan, but then Cain would have ran the risk of exposing his dirtiest secret of all: the mark of Cain. Michelle Bachmann rightly noted the evil design inherent in the 9-9-9 plan, but she might as well have gone all the way and said what everyone else (especially Mitt Romney) is already thinking: who will Cain murder next? If the literal history of the Bible is anything to go by (and you better bet your soul it is), Rick Perry should keep an eye out next time he leaves his family ranch at Niggerhead.

TLDR: Herman Cain might be the anti-Christ, and he probably wants to murder Rick Perry.

Evolution Devolution

  Good morning! And what a beautiful Sunday morning it is! Now, while you relax and read your Bible on this day of the Lord, let me just say a few words about something that is threatening your children's souls. It's nothing new, but it seems that the sinners of this world simply won't let it go.

 
Now, we have all heard (or said) that our children face so many more dangers than we did during the simpler days of yesteryear, when only criminals used drugs and the man driving around and attracting children with sweets was just doing his job selling dilly bars. But there is one element in particular that has been gaining increased attention in the media lately as the GOP candidates weigh in on it. Evolution. Now, I know what you're all thinking: what a joke, right? But do not underestimate it. Science like this attacks us, and our children, at the very point where we are weakest: our rational faculty. Our culture teaches us to trust experts who "know" more than we do, but the Devil knows that if he can corrupt just one respected scientist, many more will follow. Their honeyed words are seductive, and they can confuse the convictions of even the strongest among us. The only way to effectively resist them is to ignore their devilish words. Luckily, I am a man you know you can trust, so I will briefly outline all you need to know to reject evolution.

  Texas Governor and Champion of Christ Rick Perry recently said that evolution is ”just a theory that's out there” with “gaps” and that in Texas they teach “both creationism and evolution.” He is completely right, and nobody could possibly argue with him. At least I thought so, until notorious Satanist Richard Dawkins wrote a reply for the Washington Post. The fact that he is so uncouth makes it easy to dismiss him; the fact that he also calls evolution a "fact" just makes him look silly. No respectable scientist calls any theory "fact" (because the only FACTS are in the BIBLE!). But there is another response that is even more insidious. David Wolpe's article actually tries to reconcile God and evolution, as if anyone desired to join hands with the Devil! I admit that even I was momentarily thoughtful after reading it (which just goes to show how dangerous such things are), but then I realized just who Mr. Wolpe really is: "the No.1 Pulpit Rabbi in America." Of course it would be a Jew who misleads and confuses Christians. This just goes to show that Jewish thought never benefits mankind, and that one should never listen to rabbis. All anyone needs to know about evolution is that it is preposterous because any child can see that humans quite obviously did not come from monkeys. And as for Rick Perry, he just needs to keep on praying, and I believe God will show the people that he is true and sincere and just the man America wants for its leader.

TLDR: We must protect our children from the dangers of science by electing Rick Perry president.

Jesus Don't Want You for a Sunbeam

 So I recently had a conversation with a friend about the use of drugs and alcohol. Now, I think we are all aware that drug use is always bad and will KILL YOU. But let us pause a moment and consider how we got here and where to proceed.

 Drug use is obviously sinful, though this is so apparent that we sometimes forget why. To provide the best explanation of this, I immediately consulted the experts at godandscience.org. I was disappointed to find that there are no references to cannabis in the Bible, because I was pretty sure I'd seen Paul say somewhere that it will send you straight to hell. But the experts still have plenty to work with. In the first place, illegal drugs are... well... they're illegal, and "Christians are commanded by the scriptures to be in subjection to governing authorities and submit to every human institution" (italics mine, to emphasize Truth when I see it). But beyond this, the most common verse I've encountered to deal with this is 1 Corinthians 19-20: "Do you not know that your bodies are temples... You are not your own; you were bought at a price." I think that pretty well sums things up.


But those who read closely will see more in this. Damaging the temple of the Holy Ghost is a sin, so anything that damages your body is sinful. This realization shocked me, but I am coerced by God himself to condemn all the spirit vandals of the world. Shame on you for destroying holy places with your soul arson. Harsh words, but these things are all too common for me to sit idly by. Alcohol? Sin. Cigarettes? Plenty more smoke in hell. Fast food? Fast track to damnation.


Wait. Fast food? You heard right. If you damage the temple in any way, you will be found and punished (and the custodian of THIS temple has never had any problems carrying out those two things), and I don't know of any fast food that isn't closer to poison than sustenance.


 Now, my readers will be well aware of the danger of eating gay foods (plums, rainbow colored breakfast cereals, etc. see below), but there is even a danger when eating straight foods! One of the seven deadly sins has always been gluttony. Newsflash: it's still a sin! So a new Buffalo Wild Wings opened up near you, or there's a delicious Mexican place down the street. I tell you truly, avoid these houses of sin, because verily they are served by hell's kitchen itself. Now "Reader, perhaps you are asking the question, 'Am I among these gluttons who are making a god out of their belly?'" Only you can answer this question, but the experts have provided an easy-to-use standard to help you find the right answer: "For instance, your weight is one hundred eighty pounds, and you are 5'7" tall, you are just thirty pounds overweight. Your height calls for one hundred fifty pounds. So you see, you are thirty pounds overweight, or shall I say twenty percent glutton. That will never do." Never. If you are 5'7" tall and 180 lbs, it is impossible for you to get into heaven. You are too fat, and St. Peter's scale never lies. Think about that pearly scale next time you drive past a Taco Bell, and I guarantee you'll be singing "Yo quiero la sangre de Cristo" instead. I myself am maintaining the perfect combination of foods healthiest for my soul and divinely ordained exercise that I always have, with fasting thrown in for a little extra zest of the soul. As always, I suggest you do the same.

TLDR: Everything you want to do is a sin, so focus on whatever makes you miserable.

A Rush and a Push

Behold! I have witness prophecy today. As I read through all the discussions of the rioting in England, I thought to myself: Haven't I seen this before? Yes. These very events were foretold by the great prophet  Morrissey years ago! 

 

Politically Correct?

So I have heard a lot of talk at various times about hating this and hating that, and about whether political correctness shields the weak or muffles the truth. But there should be no debate. Anything that hinders the spread of truth is evil, pure and simple. So I'm going to cut through all the shrouds and speak bluntly. I'm going to say what all the spineless sycophants of our current system are too afraid to say. And if people's feelings are hurt? Well, if you're not living by the divine standard, then you ought to be hurt (Disclaimer: I do not condone of unsanctioned violence.).

The grave of Rudolf Hess in Germany was recently demolished because neo-Nazis were making it a pilgrimage destination. When I read this, I couldn't help but think of a conversation I had yesterday about the memory of WWII. We need to keep American traditions alive. I don't see any reason why I shouldn't live just the way my forefathers did. It worked for them, so why not me? Now, when I turn my eye back to WWII, I chiefly see a battle between Germans and Jews. Who is our ally, and who is our enemy? The Jews have been the loyal allies of Christianity for centuries, so it makes sense that we rescued them when the Nazis invaded their country. So who should America be fighting? That's right: Germans. And Japs too, for good measure. The German economy is taking over Europe the same way Hitler did, and Japanese industry is stealing jobs from hard-working Americans. There are, of course, many "hate groups" doing everything they can to clean up this world, regardless of how many rational arguments are thrown against them, and I applaud them for their stalwart commitment to their beliefs. I am now calling for a new movement, a crusade if you will, sanctioning you all to cleanse the world of all the treacherous Germans out there. The Greatest Generation knew the Huns' true nature, but we have forgotten over the years. The Nazis surprised us at Pearl Harbor; let's not let it happen again.


Thanklessly, there are some brave souls here in America who are still willing to carry on the fight. While Barack "The Antichrist" Obama's election to the presidency was a betrayal of our country, at least he brought these problems to the people's attention. I never expected the American people to accept a black president, and now I have been proven correct. He's an infidel and a liar, and he will destroy our country if we let him. I recently argued with someone who said that the economic problems in this country are not his fault, that it was the legacy of past presidents, that the presidents hands are tied by corporate interests, and that the allegations that he is a foreign-born Muslim are spurious and pointless. I effectively defeated his explanation by repeatedly shouting "Barack Hussein! Barack Hussein!" Then I was asked why it mattered whether he was born here, and how his religion related to good governance. It struck me as the kind of foolish question I ought to quash immediately. I told him that man's laws should be based on God's laws, and if there was any confusion about that, I would tell him exactly what God commanded. Then I pointed out that the American Constitution, which was written by the divinely inspired pen of George Washington himself, forbade any foreign-born individual from being president. Come on people! We should all be trying to live exactly how Founding Fathers like Ben Franklin lived, and think exactly like they did, so that we can protect our freedom and rule the world in peace and moral virtue for a thousand years. Can I get an Amen!?

Do you want this man for your leader?

TLDR: Hate is useful. Our traditions call on us to exterminate all Germans, and Barack Obama too.

After Years of Anticipation

I or We?

Greetings fellow Church followers. Though I am usually concerned with the evaluation of society (vis a vis the shining city on a hill) and the clarification of the narrow road, I must needs take time today to amend my Pyramid of Fear to account for advances in modern immorality/moral ambiguity. It has come to my attention that you are all CYBORGS.

 

Now, you might be wondering, "How did I get on the Fear Pyramid? I've done everything my elders/clergy/parents/government told me to do!" Well, like all of the devil's tricks, this one is as subtle and seductive as it is malicious.

This problem first came to my attention when I saw the fantasy TV show BSG (I was watching it strictly as research!). But I thought "This isn't real. We are safe for a few centuries yet..." But I was wrong. Next came Donna Haraway's Cyborg Manifesto, which was temporarily alarming, until I realized that the cyborg pictured there is not Haraway, and that Haraway is no more a cyborg than you or I! The Manifesto is also mostly postmodern gibberish (maybe I should add postmodernism to the pyramid...). Again, I thought I was safe; again, I was wrong. 

By now, you're probably frantically trying to remember when you got a cybernetic implant, or wondering what exactly the surgeon put in your knee that makes metal detectors scream wildly. Well, the doctor is in, and I have your diagnosis. It's not what happened while you were knocked out (or was it?). You consciously adopted your cybernetic components. You may be reading this through your cybernetic enhancement right now. What is one thing that you probably have within arm's reach 99% of your life? Your cell phone. And if you thought it was just a benign tool, you're wrong. In fact, cell phones may affect every part of what makes us human beings. I know some of you are thinking, "It's not the same. I'm not a T101 unit yet." I have several avenues of riposte. First of all, there have already been design forays into communication implants (almost a decade ago!) that would connect vibrations in the jaw electronically with the ear, allowing you to hear voices inside your head. Those of you who already hear voices may want to ask your dentist what else he did when you were under for that "root canal." A cell phone display implanted under the skin also looks like a tattoo. And contact lenses have been designed with invisible circuitry inside them, with obvious applications to visual enhancement and virtual reality.

I believe we are all being accustomed to living cybernetically enhanced lives by the corporate media, who will then sell us irresistibly convenient implants on greater and greater scales until we become "more machine either than man, twisted and evil." If you recognize that well-known quote from famed physicist Stephen Hawking, then you see how serious this is. Just how long before a cybernetic implant compels an American hero to try to kill the president, like in the Manchurian Candidate? (Or was that an episode of Venture Bros.?) It's only a short step from trendy to toaster.

But there is one last herald of this coming age of cybernetic tribulation. And it comes, of course, from Sweden. About a month ago, a surgeon in Sweden replaced a cancer patient's tumorous trachea with an artificial one made of synthetic polymers. There was no donor, and it was created in matter of days. Why would anyone want to live with a plastic throat when they could have saved that money and just prayed to God to either heal the patient, or welcome him to the Kingdom? It's the first successful transplant of a synthetic organ, and it's unnatural and wrong. Could this operation have been more devilish? Well, the organ will not be rejected by the body because, prior to installation, it was soaked in a solution of stem cells from the patient. Yeah. Enough said. We are all going to be assimilated, and mob mentality will make resistance futile. If you value your humanity, as I do, you will emulate me, throw away your cell phone, and henceforth cast a skeptical eye on all technology.

TLDR: We are all becoming cyborgs, and it will destroy the human race.

A Conspiracy in Your Mouth

So the BBC ran an article today about a gaffe at an HIV/AIDS conference in India where the country's health minister called homosexuality a disease. What a fool. Even the UN condemned him. If homosexuality was a disease, it would be simple enough to develop a vaccine or a cure, or at the very least, a drug or other treatment that would suppress the symptoms. Try and tell the Ex-gay movement that conversion is that easy. It's not, and here's why: people are born gay. There's nothing they can do about it. There was no point in their life when they were straight, then became infected with a gay 'bug.' It's not their fault. It is their mother's fault. And no, they didn't take them shopping and let them paint their nails too many times (although that certainly didn't help). All that Freudian stuff about how kids learn things that they carry with them for years after is nonsense. Kids don't retain anything. What I'm talking about here is prenatal and early childhood care. That's right. Pregnant mothers make their unborn children gay. Then they finish the job with stuff like soy formula and figs. Figs are just SO GAY. I have been wondering exactly which mechanism the global gay conspiracy has been utilizing to assimilate our children, and now I have it. It's all in the food we eat. It's so fiendishly clever. I have to tip my hat to the Anglican Underground for letting me know about this. Those fellows are a boon to the God-fearing among us. You can find their report on the gay food threat here.

 If you eat this cereal, you will begin to feel an urge to attend Carnivale

farmfoods catered every set of Brokeback Mountain

TLDR: You are what you eat; don't eat gay food.

Talking from the Gut

Today is Independence Day. America's Birthday. Nine months after Lady Liberty conceived by an act of God himself, our pure nation was born. I celebrated like any good American - with beer at the beach. But I had an epiphany on my way home. As I rode my bike past a line of cars halted for no apparent reason, I came upon a gigantic *&#@ing Yukon stopped across one and a half lanes of traffic. It was at that moment that I realized how lost everyone is. Everyone is going through this world with no idea about what's going on.

Yeah, remember him?

A REAL MAN speaks his mind, no matter what.

Everyone except me. I breezed right by, as careless as ever. And I thought to myself, "These people just need me to tell them what to do." I've been asking a lot of questions, trying to feel my way around, but no more. People don't like questions. People like boldness. Audacity. I'm going to take a hint from Jesus himself, who said "Carpe Diem!" Seize the day! From now on, I'm just going to tell it how I see it here, and anyone who disagrees had better put their money where their mouth is.

The most important thing in life is family. I sat and listened to an utterly inane conversation among some shallow girls at the beach. One girl says she loves her boyfriend, and she can see them together in the future, but she just needs one more fling. And she can do better. And he was hanging out with some stupid, skinny little blonde hussy. But at least he's not boring, like so-and-so's boyfriend, who only wants to watch wrestling and play Scrabble. Well guess what Bitter Betty. I like Scrabble. And I have a solution to this whole problem. Love does not and never did exist. Poets and bards made it up in the songs as a true devotion for a chivalric noble toward a fair maiden. Yes, a MAIDEN. Why bother with love if you're just going to sex with whomever? (Yes, I used 'sex' as a verb, and will continue to do so). Anyway, love is a medieval fiction, and marriage doesn't have anything to do with it. And shouldn't. Marriage is all about economics. It always has been. That's why traditional marriage, eg arranged marriage, has always worked so well. Dowries? Hello! We need to go back to our roots and recognize what marriage is really about: avoiding social stigma, disciplining children, and having someone to cook dinner so you don't have to waste time in the kitchen. Of course with modern, electronic appliances, even Murphy Brown can pretend to raise a "family." This is exactly why and how the institution of marriage has come under such fierce fire in recent years. If we don't protect it, the economic structure of our society will collapse.

From now on, I will also be providing a succinct conclusion, for those of you with little spare time.

TLDR: Love isn't real. Marriage is about money.

Ab Ecclesia Omniorum Mundorum Condita

Greetings everyone. May we grok; or share boko-maru.
Let us pray: Dear heavenly spaghetti monster, thank you for everything.
Now, this is my first sermon, so I'm a little nervous. I was planning on a little fire and brimstone, because it's a classic, but I have so much material that I may have to turn it into a lecture series some time in the future. For now, I'll keep it short and sweet. I know some of you are already weary of the church thing, so I'll stop now.

I preordered A Dance with Dragons today. I also finished rereading A Feast for Crows a few days ago (in preparation). On top of that, my brother called me today to discuss the enigma that is Jon Snow. For those of you who know what I'm talking about, no spoilers please. Some of our hbo-induced auxiliaries are also interested in the story (and have already [hopefully] started reading the series as well). I am way too excited for the new book; I've been waiting so long...

And now I'll leave you with a couple of questions to think about. Do you have a goal in life? I have asked many people this question recently. The answers can be interesting and surprising. Anything. Go to another country, get married, or make money. It's all about what people value, right? So where do we get these goals from? Can our goal be something like "be a good person" or "be happy"? The first one smacks of godliness, and the second of hedonism. Where do we get our goals from, and where should we get them from?