Greetings congregants! Greetings to you, and glory to the Almighty, and to the Ghost, shroud of holiness. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be. World without end. May the blessings of the Almighty, and the Fellowship of the Holiest of Ghosts, descend upon us all. This day and forever more. Amen.
I have, as I always do, been devoting much thought to the moral well-being of us all, and as I watched what would at first appear to be one of the most impious of films (I myself only deigned to watch it because I trust Ben Hur with my soul), I stumbled upon the greatest discovery since Ilhan Durupinar discovered Noah's Ark. When Brent says, "a planet where apes evolved from men - there's gotta be an answer," my brain was struck as if by the hand of God himself. Now, evolution is pretty complex, and really shouldn't be studied anyway for the harm it can do to a mind, but I will explain it in as innocuous a fashion as possible. WARNING, what you are about to read is heresy; the young and faint of heart should skip to the next paragraph. Now, Charles Lucifer Darwin (his real name!) was the first person to claim that humans evolved from monkeys when he said, "as man from a genealogical point of view belongs to the Catarhine or Old World stock, we must conclude, however much the conclusion may revolt our pride, that our early progenitors were cute little monkeys, who most like, by the most striking contrast to our own pious times, ate and mated to their hearts' content." Not only is this wrong, it's positively backwards!
I mean what I said quite literally: the theory of evolution has got real fact backwards. Humans didn't evolve from monkeys: monkeys evolved from humans! Now, you are probably all thinking that this sounds crazy, so let me explain, because my ideas are so simple and so close to biblical teachings that I think there is little doubt that this is exactly how REAL evolution happened. I even have support from the scientific community, or rather the part of it that hasn't been corrupted by the liberal education system. The secular scientific community is trying to cover up and destroy the evidence for what I've discovered because their secularist agenda would be ruined if this information came to light. Therefore, I am compelled by God to explain it for the benefit of all God-fearing Christians.
In the beginning there was Adam and there was Eve, and the Garden was a perfect place to live. Look at the world now: it is a stinking pit of corruption, insanity, and homosexuality. How did this happen? Sin. An easy answer on the face of things, but sin is even more complex than it appears. Sin isn't just an action; it changes you, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Don't believe me? Here's how: when you sin, your genetic code is actually altered by such a spiritual action. Most of us commit small sins throughout our lives, which each produce the minor genetic alterations that make our children look different from us, but also morally weaker than us (you always knew there was a reason why God commanded all to obey their parents!).
However, certain grand sins produce marked changes, as science observed, for instance, when the famed scientist Patrick Stewart said, "Mutation is the key to our evolution. It has enabled us to evolve from a single-celled organism into the dominant species on the planet. This process is slow, normally taking thousands and thousands of years. But every few hundred millennia, evolution leaps forward [for no apparent reason]." Well folks, SIN is that reason. Heinous sins. Every major sin in history has produced some degree of major alteration in the human genetic code, and consequently a sub-human species of sinful progeny. This was referred to in the Bible with the first and second major sins in human history. First, Eve ate of the Tree. As a consequence, God cursed her to be physically inferior to man, whose lesser sin merely earned him hardship throughout life. The second sin, with the second generation (who inherited a sinful nature from their mother), was when Cain killed his brother Abel. This generated from God a curse that has come down to us as the Mark of Cain. There has been great debate about what this Mark was, but it seems utterly clear to me that this was the beginning of monkey evolution. The Mark was exactly what characterizes monkeys today: coarse skin and fur, deformed bodies, and facile intellects. Early hominid skeletons that scientists have discovered are certainly the missing link, just as the secularists have claimed, but they are the link between sin and deformity, not human descent from apes. My theory also easily explains why scientists have found that some older hominid skeletons appear more humanlike, more advanced than later ones. Because they ARE! I have been laboring for some time now to trace the many connections between sin and variety on Earth, and a visual aid will be forthcoming to explain these complex relationships more easily. But, for now, I leave you with this amazing new discovery, to let it percolate, sink in, and strengthen your faith. God bless!
I have, as I always do, been devoting much thought to the moral well-being of us all, and as I watched what would at first appear to be one of the most impious of films (I myself only deigned to watch it because I trust Ben Hur with my soul), I stumbled upon the greatest discovery since Ilhan Durupinar discovered Noah's Ark. When Brent says, "a planet where apes evolved from men - there's gotta be an answer," my brain was struck as if by the hand of God himself. Now, evolution is pretty complex, and really shouldn't be studied anyway for the harm it can do to a mind, but I will explain it in as innocuous a fashion as possible. WARNING, what you are about to read is heresy; the young and faint of heart should skip to the next paragraph. Now, Charles Lucifer Darwin (his real name!) was the first person to claim that humans evolved from monkeys when he said, "as man from a genealogical point of view belongs to the Catarhine or Old World stock, we must conclude, however much the conclusion may revolt our pride, that our early progenitors were cute little monkeys, who most like, by the most striking contrast to our own pious times, ate and mated to their hearts' content." Not only is this wrong, it's positively backwards!
I mean what I said quite literally: the theory of evolution has got real fact backwards. Humans didn't evolve from monkeys: monkeys evolved from humans! Now, you are probably all thinking that this sounds crazy, so let me explain, because my ideas are so simple and so close to biblical teachings that I think there is little doubt that this is exactly how REAL evolution happened. I even have support from the scientific community, or rather the part of it that hasn't been corrupted by the liberal education system. The secular scientific community is trying to cover up and destroy the evidence for what I've discovered because their secularist agenda would be ruined if this information came to light. Therefore, I am compelled by God to explain it for the benefit of all God-fearing Christians.
In the beginning there was Adam and there was Eve, and the Garden was a perfect place to live. Look at the world now: it is a stinking pit of corruption, insanity, and homosexuality. How did this happen? Sin. An easy answer on the face of things, but sin is even more complex than it appears. Sin isn't just an action; it changes you, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Don't believe me? Here's how: when you sin, your genetic code is actually altered by such a spiritual action. Most of us commit small sins throughout our lives, which each produce the minor genetic alterations that make our children look different from us, but also morally weaker than us (you always knew there was a reason why God commanded all to obey their parents!).
However, certain grand sins produce marked changes, as science observed, for instance, when the famed scientist Patrick Stewart said, "Mutation is the key to our evolution. It has enabled us to evolve from a single-celled organism into the dominant species on the planet. This process is slow, normally taking thousands and thousands of years. But every few hundred millennia, evolution leaps forward [for no apparent reason]." Well folks, SIN is that reason. Heinous sins. Every major sin in history has produced some degree of major alteration in the human genetic code, and consequently a sub-human species of sinful progeny. This was referred to in the Bible with the first and second major sins in human history. First, Eve ate of the Tree. As a consequence, God cursed her to be physically inferior to man, whose lesser sin merely earned him hardship throughout life. The second sin, with the second generation (who inherited a sinful nature from their mother), was when Cain killed his brother Abel. This generated from God a curse that has come down to us as the Mark of Cain. There has been great debate about what this Mark was, but it seems utterly clear to me that this was the beginning of monkey evolution. The Mark was exactly what characterizes monkeys today: coarse skin and fur, deformed bodies, and facile intellects. Early hominid skeletons that scientists have discovered are certainly the missing link, just as the secularists have claimed, but they are the link between sin and deformity, not human descent from apes. My theory also easily explains why scientists have found that some older hominid skeletons appear more humanlike, more advanced than later ones. Because they ARE! I have been laboring for some time now to trace the many connections between sin and variety on Earth, and a visual aid will be forthcoming to explain these complex relationships more easily. But, for now, I leave you with this amazing new discovery, to let it percolate, sink in, and strengthen your faith. God bless!
How would humanity survive?
TLDR: Apes evolved from man. End of story.
