Evolution Devolution

  Good morning! And what a beautiful Sunday morning it is! Now, while you relax and read your Bible on this day of the Lord, let me just say a few words about something that is threatening your children's souls. It's nothing new, but it seems that the sinners of this world simply won't let it go.

 
Now, we have all heard (or said) that our children face so many more dangers than we did during the simpler days of yesteryear, when only criminals used drugs and the man driving around and attracting children with sweets was just doing his job selling dilly bars. But there is one element in particular that has been gaining increased attention in the media lately as the GOP candidates weigh in on it. Evolution. Now, I know what you're all thinking: what a joke, right? But do not underestimate it. Science like this attacks us, and our children, at the very point where we are weakest: our rational faculty. Our culture teaches us to trust experts who "know" more than we do, but the Devil knows that if he can corrupt just one respected scientist, many more will follow. Their honeyed words are seductive, and they can confuse the convictions of even the strongest among us. The only way to effectively resist them is to ignore their devilish words. Luckily, I am a man you know you can trust, so I will briefly outline all you need to know to reject evolution.

  Texas Governor and Champion of Christ Rick Perry recently said that evolution is ”just a theory that's out there” with “gaps” and that in Texas they teach “both creationism and evolution.” He is completely right, and nobody could possibly argue with him. At least I thought so, until notorious Satanist Richard Dawkins wrote a reply for the Washington Post. The fact that he is so uncouth makes it easy to dismiss him; the fact that he also calls evolution a "fact" just makes him look silly. No respectable scientist calls any theory "fact" (because the only FACTS are in the BIBLE!). But there is another response that is even more insidious. David Wolpe's article actually tries to reconcile God and evolution, as if anyone desired to join hands with the Devil! I admit that even I was momentarily thoughtful after reading it (which just goes to show how dangerous such things are), but then I realized just who Mr. Wolpe really is: "the No.1 Pulpit Rabbi in America." Of course it would be a Jew who misleads and confuses Christians. This just goes to show that Jewish thought never benefits mankind, and that one should never listen to rabbis. All anyone needs to know about evolution is that it is preposterous because any child can see that humans quite obviously did not come from monkeys. And as for Rick Perry, he just needs to keep on praying, and I believe God will show the people that he is true and sincere and just the man America wants for its leader.

TLDR: We must protect our children from the dangers of science by electing Rick Perry president.

Jesus Don't Want You for a Sunbeam

 So I recently had a conversation with a friend about the use of drugs and alcohol. Now, I think we are all aware that drug use is always bad and will KILL YOU. But let us pause a moment and consider how we got here and where to proceed.

 Drug use is obviously sinful, though this is so apparent that we sometimes forget why. To provide the best explanation of this, I immediately consulted the experts at godandscience.org. I was disappointed to find that there are no references to cannabis in the Bible, because I was pretty sure I'd seen Paul say somewhere that it will send you straight to hell. But the experts still have plenty to work with. In the first place, illegal drugs are... well... they're illegal, and "Christians are commanded by the scriptures to be in subjection to governing authorities and submit to every human institution" (italics mine, to emphasize Truth when I see it). But beyond this, the most common verse I've encountered to deal with this is 1 Corinthians 19-20: "Do you not know that your bodies are temples... You are not your own; you were bought at a price." I think that pretty well sums things up.


But those who read closely will see more in this. Damaging the temple of the Holy Ghost is a sin, so anything that damages your body is sinful. This realization shocked me, but I am coerced by God himself to condemn all the spirit vandals of the world. Shame on you for destroying holy places with your soul arson. Harsh words, but these things are all too common for me to sit idly by. Alcohol? Sin. Cigarettes? Plenty more smoke in hell. Fast food? Fast track to damnation.


Wait. Fast food? You heard right. If you damage the temple in any way, you will be found and punished (and the custodian of THIS temple has never had any problems carrying out those two things), and I don't know of any fast food that isn't closer to poison than sustenance.


 Now, my readers will be well aware of the danger of eating gay foods (plums, rainbow colored breakfast cereals, etc. see below), but there is even a danger when eating straight foods! One of the seven deadly sins has always been gluttony. Newsflash: it's still a sin! So a new Buffalo Wild Wings opened up near you, or there's a delicious Mexican place down the street. I tell you truly, avoid these houses of sin, because verily they are served by hell's kitchen itself. Now "Reader, perhaps you are asking the question, 'Am I among these gluttons who are making a god out of their belly?'" Only you can answer this question, but the experts have provided an easy-to-use standard to help you find the right answer: "For instance, your weight is one hundred eighty pounds, and you are 5'7" tall, you are just thirty pounds overweight. Your height calls for one hundred fifty pounds. So you see, you are thirty pounds overweight, or shall I say twenty percent glutton. That will never do." Never. If you are 5'7" tall and 180 lbs, it is impossible for you to get into heaven. You are too fat, and St. Peter's scale never lies. Think about that pearly scale next time you drive past a Taco Bell, and I guarantee you'll be singing "Yo quiero la sangre de Cristo" instead. I myself am maintaining the perfect combination of foods healthiest for my soul and divinely ordained exercise that I always have, with fasting thrown in for a little extra zest of the soul. As always, I suggest you do the same.

TLDR: Everything you want to do is a sin, so focus on whatever makes you miserable.

A Rush and a Push

Behold! I have witness prophecy today. As I read through all the discussions of the rioting in England, I thought to myself: Haven't I seen this before? Yes. These very events were foretold by the great prophet  Morrissey years ago!