Hey ladies, gents. Sorry it has been so long since my last sermon. I'm sure you all missed me sorely. Last time I was here I was touting Rick Perry, soldier of Christian fortune. But lately, it seems, his rising star is being eclipsed by rival Herman Cain, the self-proclaimed "dark horse candidate." The chief factor in Cain's rise to prominence has been his 9-9-9 plan, a proposal so simple that everyone who recognizes the need for tax reform can understand it without having to employ any cognitive functions. It is a plan so facile and elegant that Occam's Razor must apply: "the simplest explanation is most likely the correct one." Obviously, a tax policy so simple that a 13-year-old could run a city with it is definitely better than Obama's nine hour pleading solicitation to "pass this jobs bill right away," but is it really the best our country can do? As if. At the least, a NEW 9% federal sales tax (all sales taxes are currently state taxes) should enrage all of the tea partiers who have been beside Perry and I in shouting "small government" at the top of our lungs. Of course, that doesn't mean the government should back away from regulating women's bodies, enforcing traditional marriage, enlarging the righteous armies of God, funding the security of our homeland, fighting a war against the proletariat, fighting a war against drugs, et al. ad nauseum. We only want less government regulation of business or protection of workers, but for some reason the American people can't wrap their heads around simple economics and persist in squealing about "class warfare" as if such a thing actually existed.
But this sordid economic discussion is really peripheral to the real reason why Herman Cain is unfit for the leadership of a Christian nation. The most obvious reason should be that Cain's 9-9-9 plan is obviously a code for the beginning of the Tribulation. It has not escaped this commentator that Cain's plan, upside down, is the devil's plan. It would have been better to propose a 7-7-7 plan, but then Cain would have ran the risk of exposing his dirtiest secret of all: the mark of Cain. Michelle Bachmann rightly noted the evil design inherent in the 9-9-9 plan, but she might as well have gone all the way and said what everyone else (especially Mitt Romney) is already thinking: who will Cain murder next? If the literal history of the Bible is anything to go by (and you better bet your soul it is), Rick Perry should keep an eye out next time he leaves his family ranch at Niggerhead.
TLDR: Herman Cain might be the anti-Christ, and he probably wants to murder Rick Perry.
But this sordid economic discussion is really peripheral to the real reason why Herman Cain is unfit for the leadership of a Christian nation. The most obvious reason should be that Cain's 9-9-9 plan is obviously a code for the beginning of the Tribulation. It has not escaped this commentator that Cain's plan, upside down, is the devil's plan. It would have been better to propose a 7-7-7 plan, but then Cain would have ran the risk of exposing his dirtiest secret of all: the mark of Cain. Michelle Bachmann rightly noted the evil design inherent in the 9-9-9 plan, but she might as well have gone all the way and said what everyone else (especially Mitt Romney) is already thinking: who will Cain murder next? If the literal history of the Bible is anything to go by (and you better bet your soul it is), Rick Perry should keep an eye out next time he leaves his family ranch at Niggerhead.
No comments:
Post a Comment