Talking from the Gut

Today is Independence Day. America's Birthday. Nine months after Lady Liberty conceived by an act of God himself, our pure nation was born. I celebrated like any good American - with beer at the beach. But I had an epiphany on my way home. As I rode my bike past a line of cars halted for no apparent reason, I came upon a gigantic *&#@ing Yukon stopped across one and a half lanes of traffic. It was at that moment that I realized how lost everyone is. Everyone is going through this world with no idea about what's going on.

Yeah, remember him?

A REAL MAN speaks his mind, no matter what.

Everyone except me. I breezed right by, as careless as ever. And I thought to myself, "These people just need me to tell them what to do." I've been asking a lot of questions, trying to feel my way around, but no more. People don't like questions. People like boldness. Audacity. I'm going to take a hint from Jesus himself, who said "Carpe Diem!" Seize the day! From now on, I'm just going to tell it how I see it here, and anyone who disagrees had better put their money where their mouth is.

The most important thing in life is family. I sat and listened to an utterly inane conversation among some shallow girls at the beach. One girl says she loves her boyfriend, and she can see them together in the future, but she just needs one more fling. And she can do better. And he was hanging out with some stupid, skinny little blonde hussy. But at least he's not boring, like so-and-so's boyfriend, who only wants to watch wrestling and play Scrabble. Well guess what Bitter Betty. I like Scrabble. And I have a solution to this whole problem. Love does not and never did exist. Poets and bards made it up in the songs as a true devotion for a chivalric noble toward a fair maiden. Yes, a MAIDEN. Why bother with love if you're just going to sex with whomever? (Yes, I used 'sex' as a verb, and will continue to do so). Anyway, love is a medieval fiction, and marriage doesn't have anything to do with it. And shouldn't. Marriage is all about economics. It always has been. That's why traditional marriage, eg arranged marriage, has always worked so well. Dowries? Hello! We need to go back to our roots and recognize what marriage is really about: avoiding social stigma, disciplining children, and having someone to cook dinner so you don't have to waste time in the kitchen. Of course with modern, electronic appliances, even Murphy Brown can pretend to raise a "family." This is exactly why and how the institution of marriage has come under such fierce fire in recent years. If we don't protect it, the economic structure of our society will collapse.

From now on, I will also be providing a succinct conclusion, for those of you with little spare time.

TLDR: Love isn't real. Marriage is about money.