Seriously, people! People! If you don't think that television is the tool of the devil, you are deluding yourself. Kill your TV!
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Weak for Jesus
Oh Brother Guilt! Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. Cane my brain til the impure thoughts are gone from me! Score away the sins with pain! Oh, that I had not been so weak. Woe is me! I have vanquished powerful demons, but I have now learned that the conniving demons are to be feared as well. Hated, even, for preying on a man's weaknesses.
I must confess to you all; it is the only way left for me to absolve my sin. I write to you now with ash upon my head and clothed in grocery sacks. I must tell you what occurred last night. I was street walking, searching, seeking the demons wherever they may be. Hour after hour I fight tirelessly. As the night wore on, I grew weary and longed to rest my head upon my couch cushion at home. I went to Underbridge exhausted, and I cherished the comfort of that cushion and covered myself with newspapers for warmth and camouflage. But just as I settled and closed my eyes, I heard the ominous clapping footsteps of a pedestrian in my living room. I opened my eyes but did not move, cautious.
But lo! A voice spoke to me saying, "Dear me. Ruffian. Can you tell me where to find the Philadelphia Church?"
I was startled, but my cover was blown, so I sat up and looked at a pretty youth with full lips and a complexion like the land of milk and honey. I was immediately mesmerized, but I didn't know about this witchcraft yet. I gave directions to the church on Broadway.
Then, "You don't look like you belong out here" said the youth.
I shrugged and replied that I belong where I am needed.
"It is so cold tonight. Would you like a dash of spirit to warm you up?" The youth had in hand a flask that said Hey Grrl on it. I was very cold, and I could feel that warmth sinking into my belly. I also had difficulty telling this person No. I took the flask of the stranger and tipped back the spirits. Warmth invaded me. The youth squatted near to me and I could smell frankincense and myrrh. Liquid fire and heady fumes overcame me a moment and I saw the pale youth appear to glow in the night. The ghostly face came nearer to me, asking if I was alright. I was swimming in the scent, my eyes flashing off of the youth's golden garb, and I felt the ecstasy like His touch and I took hold of the demon youth and sucked on those lush lips. Lips like woe! Immediately the youth was melting against me, then squatting over me. Legs spread, pulling on my pants, the youth pulled out my phallus and it stood up like a monument. The youth sank onto it, liquid fire around me and within me, my breath caught and my lungs filled with the perfume, my hands grasping gold sequins, I thrust once and it was done. With a howling groan I consummated my weakness. With a wailing shout I welcomed the return of Brother Guilt.
I pushed the youth away with a growl. The demon seemed to laugh with delight. I was wracked in waves and felt as if I were seizing; the work of black magic, to be sure, and I had succumbed to the succubus. I was mad and the youth fled my wrath. But the damage was done, and so I sit here now, begging your forgiveness and His, with ash upon my head and grocery bags around my weak flesh. Vae Victis!
An artist's rendering of the demon.
I must confess to you all; it is the only way left for me to absolve my sin. I write to you now with ash upon my head and clothed in grocery sacks. I must tell you what occurred last night. I was street walking, searching, seeking the demons wherever they may be. Hour after hour I fight tirelessly. As the night wore on, I grew weary and longed to rest my head upon my couch cushion at home. I went to Underbridge exhausted, and I cherished the comfort of that cushion and covered myself with newspapers for warmth and camouflage. But just as I settled and closed my eyes, I heard the ominous clapping footsteps of a pedestrian in my living room. I opened my eyes but did not move, cautious.
But lo! A voice spoke to me saying, "Dear me. Ruffian. Can you tell me where to find the Philadelphia Church?"
I was startled, but my cover was blown, so I sat up and looked at a pretty youth with full lips and a complexion like the land of milk and honey. I was immediately mesmerized, but I didn't know about this witchcraft yet. I gave directions to the church on Broadway.
Then, "You don't look like you belong out here" said the youth.
I shrugged and replied that I belong where I am needed.
"It is so cold tonight. Would you like a dash of spirit to warm you up?" The youth had in hand a flask that said Hey Grrl on it. I was very cold, and I could feel that warmth sinking into my belly. I also had difficulty telling this person No. I took the flask of the stranger and tipped back the spirits. Warmth invaded me. The youth squatted near to me and I could smell frankincense and myrrh. Liquid fire and heady fumes overcame me a moment and I saw the pale youth appear to glow in the night. The ghostly face came nearer to me, asking if I was alright. I was swimming in the scent, my eyes flashing off of the youth's golden garb, and I felt the ecstasy like His touch and I took hold of the demon youth and sucked on those lush lips. Lips like woe! Immediately the youth was melting against me, then squatting over me. Legs spread, pulling on my pants, the youth pulled out my phallus and it stood up like a monument. The youth sank onto it, liquid fire around me and within me, my breath caught and my lungs filled with the perfume, my hands grasping gold sequins, I thrust once and it was done. With a howling groan I consummated my weakness. With a wailing shout I welcomed the return of Brother Guilt.
I pushed the youth away with a growl. The demon seemed to laugh with delight. I was wracked in waves and felt as if I were seizing; the work of black magic, to be sure, and I had succumbed to the succubus. I was mad and the youth fled my wrath. But the damage was done, and so I sit here now, begging your forgiveness and His, with ash upon my head and grocery bags around my weak flesh. Vae Victis!
Sunday, March 10, 2013
That's What They Want You to Think
My Lord and Master, spare me the dream lashings of Jerome, but I feel like the prophet Cassandra this day, cursed to see the future and never to be believed! Brothers! Sisters! I have uncovered a monumental plot to ruin this great, God-fearing nation! And yet, as I try to bring this to the attention of the authorities, I am shunned and insulted and solicited for drugs. Truly, the number of wayward children in this nation has grown great. I know sorrow.
A friend came to visit me at my home in Underbridge. He revealed to me the truth which the Enemy has veiled from the Chosen People of America. Oh, that great deceiver! Between the hubub and hullabaloo, he mentioned to me that the enemies of our people have already tried to break our invincible spirit and failed. They have tried to attack us and found only death and a life in Cuba waiting for them. But now, he said, now they have devised the most sinister and evil strategy to date. Evil forces are trying to divide our family against itself! We must wake up to this or we shall perish! You may ask how a foreigner could turn any American hand against its fellow, but the answer is surprisingly simple.
What is the most common thing to fight about in any marriage? Money.
The recent series of debt crises is none other than a hideous conspiracy that reaches all the way from the bottom to the very top! He asked me, "Why do you think GDP and profits are as high as ever, but the government still has no money?" I jokingly replied that it was because lobbyists authored lower taxes, tax loopholes, and an inflexible culture of vested interests in Congress. He couldn't respond then until we had both ceased guffawing. "Yeah right," he said, "as if each congressman was individually solicited by private persons to put personal gain before the good of the country. That beggars belief!" My visitor then told me the Truth. All across this country, witches and sorcerers are empowered by the Devil's power through the coming equinox to lay charms and curses on our leaders. This black demon magic must be stopped! One by one, the possessed pagan devils are taking control of local leaders, as well as state and national leaders. I myself caught a witch casting her charm spell over a local alderman during an appearance at a CAPS neighborhood occupation meeting. I immediately took up my wooden cross and Bowie knife in defense of the alderman, but it was too late. She had charmed him, and the rest were blinded by the Enemy's power! The guardsmen handled me roughly into the back of yet another paddy-wagon, and afterward tried to find out what drugs I had! The nerve!
I have no fear of prisons, inspired as I am by the example of the martyrs. And anyway, there is no space to keep one such as myself. But I will find those witches yet! And I will make them pay for controlling the minds of the American government and the American people!
Widespread protests against the witches.
A friend came to visit me at my home in Underbridge. He revealed to me the truth which the Enemy has veiled from the Chosen People of America. Oh, that great deceiver! Between the hubub and hullabaloo, he mentioned to me that the enemies of our people have already tried to break our invincible spirit and failed. They have tried to attack us and found only death and a life in Cuba waiting for them. But now, he said, now they have devised the most sinister and evil strategy to date. Evil forces are trying to divide our family against itself! We must wake up to this or we shall perish! You may ask how a foreigner could turn any American hand against its fellow, but the answer is surprisingly simple.
What is the most common thing to fight about in any marriage? Money.
The recent series of debt crises is none other than a hideous conspiracy that reaches all the way from the bottom to the very top! He asked me, "Why do you think GDP and profits are as high as ever, but the government still has no money?" I jokingly replied that it was because lobbyists authored lower taxes, tax loopholes, and an inflexible culture of vested interests in Congress. He couldn't respond then until we had both ceased guffawing. "Yeah right," he said, "as if each congressman was individually solicited by private persons to put personal gain before the good of the country. That beggars belief!" My visitor then told me the Truth. All across this country, witches and sorcerers are empowered by the Devil's power through the coming equinox to lay charms and curses on our leaders. This black demon magic must be stopped! One by one, the possessed pagan devils are taking control of local leaders, as well as state and national leaders. I myself caught a witch casting her charm spell over a local alderman during an appearance at a CAPS neighborhood occupation meeting. I immediately took up my wooden cross and Bowie knife in defense of the alderman, but it was too late. She had charmed him, and the rest were blinded by the Enemy's power! The guardsmen handled me roughly into the back of yet another paddy-wagon, and afterward tried to find out what drugs I had! The nerve!
I have no fear of prisons, inspired as I am by the example of the martyrs. And anyway, there is no space to keep one such as myself. But I will find those witches yet! And I will make them pay for controlling the minds of the American government and the American people!
Friday, March 8, 2013
Beggar Defend You
Brothers! Sisters! I am now free of those who pursued me. I am free. I have no home, no belongings, not a crumb of food or even a cell phone. I have only the clothes on my back, the locusts of the field, also pigeons, and the fertile, untilled souls of the city's multitudes.
With this new freedom, I have begun my street ministry. I have proclaimed the imminent coming of the Kingdom in every street, park, alley, and bar. Sometimes I am thrown away by the unbelievers. Sometimes I am ridiculed and insulted. A prophet is never loved in his own home town. But I love this city, and I will not let it fall to the Sodomites! Armored with my faith, wielding the sword of prayer, I have descended to the dark underbelly of the city to do combat with the enemies of the One. And I tell you verily, this enemy is more terrible and ubiquitous than the cannibal zombies of yesteryear, those whose frenzied demons drove them to sensational headlines.
I am talking, today, about the more subtle and insidious demons which infest so many people in this world. The Bible says that 1/3 of the angels were cast out of heaven, and that the number of angels is very great. Thus, there are many demons at the Enemy's disposal. I have not yet encountered a demon prince of the Baal variety, but the horde of Screwtapes and Wormwoods is endless. I have now done battle with many demons already, but there is one in particular that hounds me, haunts me, and spreads evil on the streets of the city.
I know not its God-given name, if it still bears one, but I have named it Mire. I first encountered it in a young woman at a homeless shelter where I was evangelizing and getting some toothpaste.
Mire stood over her in black jeans and a red coat and it first appeared to be talking to her, out in the hallway, but it recoiled from me and I saw that she was choking, indeed that it had been choking her. I knew instantly what it was. I went for the Bowie knife I wear at my belt now, intending to dispatch this one as I have so many others, but it had already fled before I could shift my packs to get at the blade. But this was not the last time we would meet. I have seen it slink through alleys, break into buildings and cars, even relax at the beach; doubtless the other beach-goers were shocked when I chased the thing away with a Bowie knife before their very eyes. But perhaps more terrifying to me is that sometimes, especially in the night, I glimpse it following ME. This battle is far from over. I will not be choked to death in my sleep. To this end, I have enlisted certain trustworthy fellow street dwellers to keep watch over me and aid me in my fight. Perhaps some among them shall become powerful demon hunters one day.
Kai, hitchhiker and fellow demon hunter, fresh from a slain specter.
With this new freedom, I have begun my street ministry. I have proclaimed the imminent coming of the Kingdom in every street, park, alley, and bar. Sometimes I am thrown away by the unbelievers. Sometimes I am ridiculed and insulted. A prophet is never loved in his own home town. But I love this city, and I will not let it fall to the Sodomites! Armored with my faith, wielding the sword of prayer, I have descended to the dark underbelly of the city to do combat with the enemies of the One. And I tell you verily, this enemy is more terrible and ubiquitous than the cannibal zombies of yesteryear, those whose frenzied demons drove them to sensational headlines.
I am talking, today, about the more subtle and insidious demons which infest so many people in this world. The Bible says that 1/3 of the angels were cast out of heaven, and that the number of angels is very great. Thus, there are many demons at the Enemy's disposal. I have not yet encountered a demon prince of the Baal variety, but the horde of Screwtapes and Wormwoods is endless. I have now done battle with many demons already, but there is one in particular that hounds me, haunts me, and spreads evil on the streets of the city.
I know not its God-given name, if it still bears one, but I have named it Mire. I first encountered it in a young woman at a homeless shelter where I was evangelizing and getting some toothpaste.
Mire stood over her in black jeans and a red coat and it first appeared to be talking to her, out in the hallway, but it recoiled from me and I saw that she was choking, indeed that it had been choking her. I knew instantly what it was. I went for the Bowie knife I wear at my belt now, intending to dispatch this one as I have so many others, but it had already fled before I could shift my packs to get at the blade. But this was not the last time we would meet. I have seen it slink through alleys, break into buildings and cars, even relax at the beach; doubtless the other beach-goers were shocked when I chased the thing away with a Bowie knife before their very eyes. But perhaps more terrifying to me is that sometimes, especially in the night, I glimpse it following ME. This battle is far from over. I will not be choked to death in my sleep. To this end, I have enlisted certain trustworthy fellow street dwellers to keep watch over me and aid me in my fight. Perhaps some among them shall become powerful demon hunters one day.
Friday, March 1, 2013
That Trip Felt Like a 40-Year Desert
Brothers and sisters in Christ! You will not believe where I've been! I have travelled the heavens and the earth from the pits of hell to the gates of St. Paul. I have seen angels and demons and unicorns and even little toe-headed men who were almost certainly hobbits!
Brothers, sisters, I apologize for leaving you in the dark about my whereabouts and well-being. I know all of you have been concerned. It seems that my final post before this one came to the attention of the pharisees, who don't appreciate my personal and unique connection with God himself. Last summer my home at Underbridge was raided by local police at the behest of the Antichrist as part of his global secular conspiracy. I spent some time in jail under trumped up charges of vagrancy and petty theft before I was released due to limitations in penal capacity. Prison had left me physically weakened, and so I immediately went to my doctor for aid. He recommended outpatient self-medication, which I immediately implemented. But Satan is an evil foe. No sooner was I freed from those chains when I was scooped up by more of the Antichrist's thugs. What a dastardly mode to give hope to a man and then snuff it out! These men held me captive for forty days and forty nights, and it was here that I witnessed a captured unicorn butchered by horrible hobbits. Finally an angel of the Lord came and freed me from my chains. And, it was the same angel which had freed St. Peter from his chains so long ago! And thus did I escape to a life of wandering and flight.
But now, now I am free! Today he stepped down and made way for the true coming of Christ. He who has directed the conspiracy against me, the chief of the heretics, has finally been laid low and exposed as a fraud! The King of the World has finally been defeated and overthrown! The Kingdom of God is at hand!
If he really carried a divine mandate then the formula says he'll next be swallowed by a giant fish.
Brothers, sisters, I apologize for leaving you in the dark about my whereabouts and well-being. I know all of you have been concerned. It seems that my final post before this one came to the attention of the pharisees, who don't appreciate my personal and unique connection with God himself. Last summer my home at Underbridge was raided by local police at the behest of the Antichrist as part of his global secular conspiracy. I spent some time in jail under trumped up charges of vagrancy and petty theft before I was released due to limitations in penal capacity. Prison had left me physically weakened, and so I immediately went to my doctor for aid. He recommended outpatient self-medication, which I immediately implemented. But Satan is an evil foe. No sooner was I freed from those chains when I was scooped up by more of the Antichrist's thugs. What a dastardly mode to give hope to a man and then snuff it out! These men held me captive for forty days and forty nights, and it was here that I witnessed a captured unicorn butchered by horrible hobbits. Finally an angel of the Lord came and freed me from my chains. And, it was the same angel which had freed St. Peter from his chains so long ago! And thus did I escape to a life of wandering and flight.
But now, now I am free! Today he stepped down and made way for the true coming of Christ. He who has directed the conspiracy against me, the chief of the heretics, has finally been laid low and exposed as a fraud! The King of the World has finally been defeated and overthrown! The Kingdom of God is at hand!
If he really carried a divine mandate then the formula says he'll next be swallowed by a giant fish.
Monday, June 25, 2012
The Prodigal Prophet Returns
Greetings, ye children of great faith! These are dark times, and we must prevail despite whatever setbacks we encounter. And I tell you all, that I have seen the devil's ugly face. Whiskered, scaly, with a bent back and thick black hair. He came to me under the sculpted figure of Jesus on the cross, whilst I prayed to St. Jerome for guidance, and he told me, "The Elders have voted and, because of your leadership, we are converting to Mormonism. There's no place for you here anymore." It seems that one Judas among my own flock actually went to the website I had printed on our Sunday programs and was offended by what I have written. Now, everyone seemed to think that I was out of line for claiming to speak with the authority of God. But that's what the Devil wants you to think! I speak when I am inspired by the Holy Spirit, and I'll never apologize for what I know is right.
So I walked out, bearing my own cross (that crucifix was mine to being with). Things have been rough since then. I feel like Job, walking in the desolate wilderness for 40 years. At first, I was confident that any other congregation would love to hear the Holy Spirit channel the voice of God through me, but alas! The devil arm has grown long. Everywhere people are abandoning the hallowed traditions of our forefathers straying from the path laid out by the Early Church. Secularism is overtaking the world, and soon there will be a terrible reckoning, probably of Old Testament proportions (I'm thinking a plague of techno-locusts), unless the few remaining heroes of our time step up and defend the Truth.
Therefore, I am asking my only remaining congregation, my only remaining children, to give to the cause. Whether it be blankets, food, clothing, or, of course, money, everything can be used in the upcoming fight against the great Satan. The soldiers of Christ are desperate. I am currently on a mission trip to Chicago, where I am staying under a bridge on Wilson Ave. Here I have discovered that, just as the nation is being tormented by a presidential election between a Muslim and a Mormon, the people on the ground are being tormented by a great struggle between Human and Cannibal Zombie. This life-and-death struggle is the clearest possible sign that the Antichrist is approaching (I can't tell whether it's the Muslim or the Mormon though), and that every man needs to arm himself not just mentally and figuratively any longer, but also militantly. Around the world rising Muslim powers, cannibal zombies, French socialists, and liberals are destroying Faith in God and the free market. If we, the Chosen People, don't do everything in our power to fix this transient world, then we have failed as Christians and we have failed to further Jesus' mission to recreate the earth in the image of the Kingdom of God.
So I walked out, bearing my own cross (that crucifix was mine to being with). Things have been rough since then. I feel like Job, walking in the desolate wilderness for 40 years. At first, I was confident that any other congregation would love to hear the Holy Spirit channel the voice of God through me, but alas! The devil arm has grown long. Everywhere people are abandoning the hallowed traditions of our forefathers straying from the path laid out by the Early Church. Secularism is overtaking the world, and soon there will be a terrible reckoning, probably of Old Testament proportions (I'm thinking a plague of techno-locusts), unless the few remaining heroes of our time step up and defend the Truth.
Therefore, I am asking my only remaining congregation, my only remaining children, to give to the cause. Whether it be blankets, food, clothing, or, of course, money, everything can be used in the upcoming fight against the great Satan. The soldiers of Christ are desperate. I am currently on a mission trip to Chicago, where I am staying under a bridge on Wilson Ave. Here I have discovered that, just as the nation is being tormented by a presidential election between a Muslim and a Mormon, the people on the ground are being tormented by a great struggle between Human and Cannibal Zombie. This life-and-death struggle is the clearest possible sign that the Antichrist is approaching (I can't tell whether it's the Muslim or the Mormon though), and that every man needs to arm himself not just mentally and figuratively any longer, but also militantly. Around the world rising Muslim powers, cannibal zombies, French socialists, and liberals are destroying Faith in God and the free market. If we, the Chosen People, don't do everything in our power to fix this transient world, then we have failed as Christians and we have failed to further Jesus' mission to recreate the earth in the image of the Kingdom of God.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Evolution: Part Deux
Last time I promised an illustration and a more complete explanation of my theory. Need I remind anyone that this is explicit material, not for young or weak minds? G'on chilluns, skedaddle off to bed now, hear? Now that the young ones are safe, let me continue.
Evolution. Creationism. Truth. These three things have never come together, until now. Men have not evolved from apes, because apes evolved from men! Don't believe me? See part one of this sermon then. Now, as I've said, God created man in his image, and woman then from man. Mutation is real, and accumulations thereof are the building blocks of evolution. What causes mutations? Radiation? Sexual reproduction. That sin, and all the others in our lives, each change genetic minutiae that eventually produce noticeable results in everything from disease to differentiation. Humans don't look the same anymore, nor do they look like neanderthals or apes. But the progression has actually been a regression, with humans at the beginning. From the perfect pureness of Adam, humanity has digressed along several paths to the flawed, failed, self-destructive variety of races we are today. I have, after many hours of dedicated scholastic labor, produced this chart to show the many varied relationships between different strands of humanity and some of our closer cousins. My sources were varied, and ranged from respected genetics scholar Michael Crichton to the writings of God himself (The Bible). I can assure you that all of these connections have been thoroughly researched by me, and that there were many more that I cut for too little solid proof (but I'm convinced Ryan Gosling is descended from Anton Chekhov!).
TLDR: Apes evolved from man. End of story.
Evolution. Creationism. Truth. These three things have never come together, until now. Men have not evolved from apes, because apes evolved from men! Don't believe me? See part one of this sermon then. Now, as I've said, God created man in his image, and woman then from man. Mutation is real, and accumulations thereof are the building blocks of evolution. What causes mutations? Radiation? Sexual reproduction. That sin, and all the others in our lives, each change genetic minutiae that eventually produce noticeable results in everything from disease to differentiation. Humans don't look the same anymore, nor do they look like neanderthals or apes. But the progression has actually been a regression, with humans at the beginning. From the perfect pureness of Adam, humanity has digressed along several paths to the flawed, failed, self-destructive variety of races we are today. I have, after many hours of dedicated scholastic labor, produced this chart to show the many varied relationships between different strands of humanity and some of our closer cousins. My sources were varied, and ranged from respected genetics scholar Michael Crichton to the writings of God himself (The Bible). I can assure you that all of these connections have been thoroughly researched by me, and that there were many more that I cut for too little solid proof (but I'm convinced Ryan Gosling is descended from Anton Chekhov!).
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